Mental health and the need for Escapism

Over the last few blog posts, I have outlined several nerdom-related stories or recommendations I have for nerd stuff. I thought I would go through how being a nerd has literally saved my life over the course of many years. 

I know that the topic of mental health can be triggering at times but I feel I should explain how a lot of the love I have for the general umbrella of nerd stuff and with a particular spotlight on TTRPG and online gaming(mostly MMO, in particular, World of Warcraft and Guild wars) came about and continues to this very day.

My story starts a long time ago, during the heady days of sixth form college, multiple sessions of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 2^nd edition would be had most weeks, allowing myself and friends to unwind and escape the stress that oncoming A-level exams had on our mental well being, the lead up to my second year of sixth form had led me to give up my beloved extracurricular pursuits of amateur Sunday football and 3^rd team cricket at a local club. 

I had also stopped working my Friday and Saturday night club work, my rationale was that I needed to focus on my academic life, and with little to keep me occupied I dove wholeheartedly into my TTRPG, it was fun and gave me a chance to interact with my friends. I had purchased an Amiga 1200 to do my assignments on but found myself retreating more and more to my room to play X-Com Enemy Unknown, spending most waking hours, when not studying, hunting down aliens.

I followed the standard sixth-form protocol and applied through UCAS to Glasgow University, as my first choice, to do Marine Biology. My other choices were other institutes that offered similar courses, I didn't pay too much heed to them as I was certain I would get into my first choice. All seemed on track my studies were going really well, my mock exams were coming up and I looked on course to seal the desired grades to head off to Glasgow, my parents were moving back to their home city from the North West of England to live with my Grandmother, I would stay with them and attend my course, nothing would be overlooked. The plan was sorted.

Then my sister had a brain aneurysm and died. She was only 25. My whole world crumbled around me. I had always suffered periods of melancholy and depression before this but I found I had fallen into a deep, deep hole and I just couldn't see a way to get out of it. 

I had some time off college but returned as it was all go, preparation for exam season was in full swing. My classmates said all the right things and tried all they could to comfort me in my worst hour. My friends tried what they could to raise my mood but they could do only so much, the dark days came and went, and I felt like I was in a waking dream(nightmare), from which I couldn't wake. 

Night after night I sat in my room, sobbing, my heart broken. The sheer weight of the loss of my big sister, destroyed me piece by piece. I started to have panic attacks and hypertension, the oncoming thought of my mock exams and actual exams meant my heart felt like a tightly wound ball of string, I found myself hyperventilating about every small thing, decisions to meet friends or just go out seemed like the biggest issues I could think of, I retreated more and more into my shell. 

Then came the “plan” I started to fixate on how I would end my life, it seemed like the only option, to end the pain and suffering I was going through. Would it be pills, maybe a blade....yuck I couldn't stand the thought of all the blood, these thoughts became an obsession. Day after day I plotted and schemed. I did my mock exams and totally flunked my subjects, this just added to the self-loathing I was going through, and my failure was complete. Then with the help of my closest friends, mainly those folks I played TTRPG's I rid myself of most of the insecurities I had cultivated over the course of my grieving, with my mood lifted, like a dark cloud clearing before a bright sun. My parents had gone to a parents' evening at college and my chemistry teacher had said “that because of my poor mock exam mark, I would be lucky to pass the course”. This sentiment was all the motivation I needed, with my new found drive I decided I would prove him wrong, I knew my Maths and Biology A-levels, should be fine, I funnelled all of my revision time, the few weeks I had, into making sure I passed Chemistry. Spite can be a strong motivation I find.

I did my exams, I felt I hadn't done particularly well in Maths and Biology, I knew I hadn't flunked them but looking at my required grades for Glasgow to do Marine Biology, I felt I was not going to University. I started to formulate a new course, I decided I would join the Army(if my grades permitted I would go do officer training and maybe join a tank battalion) and started physical training, getting fit provided me with purpose. I got my results and I had in fact not gotten my desired grades, my second choice university I had also failed to meet the requirements. I had met the requirements to go to officer training for the British army. Oh, well I thought, best book my fitness test and get the paperwork rolling to join the army.

At the start of September, one month before I would have been due to start my University course I received a letter from my backup University, saying I had failed to gain the required grades to start the second year of their Marine Biology course. Still, I was invited to join the first-year course. ( University courses(BSc, BA ect) are normally 3 years in England but Scottish courses are 4 years). I was stunned, I hadn't even considered that I would be going to University. I was so focused on getting into the Army. I was fit and ready to go join the armed forces. I thought long and hard about it and decided to go to university. We had moved to Glasgow but my backup was in Edinburgh, my parents agreed they would help out however they could. I hadn't even been to the university, I checked and there was an open day the following week. Myself and my mother headed to the open day, this being an open day for the following year's intake, not the intake for a month's time(lol). We were escorted around the campus by a guide who showed us all the facilities and accommodations. I still have a little laugh with my mother about the guide who said “so maybe next year you will think about attending the University” to which I replied, “Nah mate, I will be coming next month”. The incredulous look of bemusement on his face was a sight to behold.

I went to University and enjoyed every minute of it, I ended up changing my specialism at the end of my first year from Marine Biology, after discovering I couldn't scuba dive, to Brewing and Distilling. Which was a fantastic course. I joined the Gaming Society, which covered things like Magic the gathering and all manner of TTRPGs, I made many friends, through my course and the society.

I look back at the dark times surrounding the death of my sister and can say without a doubt that gaming literally saved my life. If I did not have the Escapism offered by the hobby I doubt I would have beaten my demons. If I didn't have those friends to pull me out of the dark hole I found myself in I feel I would probably have given in and given up on life. That's why at every opportunity I say to people to get into the hobby, be it TTRPG or card games or board games, and escape this life in a fun and rewarding way. Things can seem like you will never overcome them but you will and if it takes pretending to be an elf mage or a half-orc barbarian to do that then give it a go. What's the worst that could happen? What I can say is you will end up making friends and developing relationships that may last the rest of your life.

For those that are struggling financially during these trying times in the world a great option is to give Pathfinder 1^st edition by Paizo a try, everything required to play is free on the internet. The system is great and is basically a reiteration of the DnD 3.5 rules set with bells and whistles added on. Because when life is overwhelming it's always nice to Escape, even just for one night a week. :)

Thanks once again for reading, comment below if gaming saved your life or anything else you want to

Scott